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PARENTS

The Basics


Parents…

The Anti-Drug!

Studies show that parents are the key component to successful children in abstaining from risky behavior.

Parents are the most influential people in a child's life. You need to have an active ongoing dialogue so that your child feels comfortable discussing this topic with you. Start the conversations early and repeat them often.

Don't wait clearly kids are becoming aware of sex and oral sex at a young age " make them hear about it from you.

The incidents of sexual activity, particularly oral sex, before the age of 15 is less than 13 percent. By 19, it's 70 percent. That means the time to catch them is early, before they get in the window. It is very important that they understand they can contract every sexually transmitted disease from oral sex as well as sexual intercourse. Most teens are worried about an unplanned pregnancy. Many do not understand the risks they are facing while participating in sexual activity. As a parent inform them how this could impact their future as a whole.


3 Questions

WHO AM I?

WHAT’S MY PURPOSE?

DO I MATTER?

Parents, every teen needs FIVE positive, parent approved, people speaking into their lives. Many parents feel threatened by other people. Be proactive and help your teen have positive influences in their world. In addition, as a parent, be active yourself in those relationships.

Help your children by teaching them character with integrity. Most things are caught not taught. Kids are starving for authenticity. There is alot to be said for living out what you want your kids to value.


Talking Points

  • Set limits for your child’s dating and talk with your child about your expectations.
  • Know who your child is going out with.
  • Encourage group dating.
  • Get to know your child’s friends and friends’ parents.
  • Help your child set up guidelines for acceptable or unacceptable dating behavior.
  • Explain what sexual assault is and how to recognize potential dangers. Have a plan incase they do not feel safe.
  • Have them expectation of dressing appropriately.
  • Make it a rule not to use drugs or alcohol.
  • Don’t let them spend long periods of time together.
  • Encourage them and set rules for them to go out with people with similar goals, boundaries, and family rules.
  • Teach them to recognize their love need and what it means.
  • Ask them their standards and boundaries before the heat is on!

  • TEACH THEM TO BE REAL WITH WHO THEY ARE DATING!!

    Would you write a dating ad that said, "Wanted: 23 year old who smokes more than cigarettes, lives for parties, is “kind of” unfaithful, but always sorry, might call a few names, lies when necessary, loves to flirt. Will give you sex for love, or love for sex (you decide) and will hold you responsible for all past relationships, pains, consequences and so forth. If interested please call 1-800-get-a-life!"

    Chances are you wouldn't write and nor would you answer it. So many of our youth think they can change who they are dating. Reality is, no one can change another person. They think if that person "loves" them they would show it by doing what they are asking.

    It's important for them to be real with who they are and work on their own character. Because, "chararcter attracts character." And if they do not value themselves, they will attract someone else who doesn't value them.


    Sexting:

    Definition: sending, receiving or forwarding sexually explicit messages, photographs, or images via cell phone, computer, or other digitial services.

    National campaign to prevent teen and unplanned pregnancy surveyed teens and reports 20% of those teens say they had sent or posted nude or semi nude photos or videos of themselves.

    1 in 5 pass it on

    61% who sent one felt pressured

    Sexters are considered 4X more likely to consider suicide this year than non-sexters

    Kids on average send a whopping 2,272 texts per month

    Privacy is a privaledge. Sexting photos under the age of 18 or of people under the age of 18 is illegal. It would be unfortunate and a hard lesson for your child to learn. Students have been charged with being a sexual preditor and others have had their photo shared amongst many other students. All have horrific consequences. Parents be in the know with your kids and what they are doing. The consequences of such thing could cost them more than anything you ever could imagine.


    Consider your child's point of view and keep the conversation low key.

    If you come in on your soapbox, preaching, judging and condemning, the conversation is going to dry up. Don't get in your child's face. Listen. Hear their questions. Respond to their thoughts. Don't get mesmerized by the argument. Don't let your 14-year-old child rationalize and tell you that "everybody" is doing it, so it's OK. It is not OK!

    •Monitor "the four W's": who, what, when and where.

    Know everything about your child. Follow your children on a close enough level so you know who their friends are and what they're doing.


    Online footprint

    It is also very important to stay up to date on all the sites your children are using. There are many sites that can affect future jobs as well as relationships. Not to mention their reputation. It is not an easy job for parents to stay active in where their kids are online, but it is extremely important. If your student has apps on their technology find out what they are. In some cases it will inform anyone who wants to find your child, down to their bedroom. Parents please, be proactive, the preditors are.


    Date Rape

    Teach your kids “no” means NO!

    There are multiple levels of sexual assault from first to fifth degree. Fifth degree sexual assault is inappropriately touch a guy/girl with their clothes on. This can land your child in prison for 3-20 years depending on the situation.

    In addition, teach your kids to avoid situations where you could be wrongly accused of inappropriate behavior. Guys and girls should know what to do to reduce their risks. If you are ever faced with date rape contact your local Sexual Assualt Center for help. Central Minnesota's sexual assault center's website is: www.cmsac.org phone: 320-251-4357 or 1-800-237-5090.

    Get the help you need as soon as possible. It is not your child's fault. Support them, love them, and walk by their side with out shame and guilt. They need you now more than ever.


    Define "friend."

    Children claiming that they are giving oral sex to "friends" need to define "friend." And if you haven’t heard…there is a such thing as “friends with benefits.” Meaning, sex with no strings attached.

    You must help your child love themselves. You must help him/her value their worth and identity. You have to instill standards by which to live their lives. If they have these standards in place, when someone approaches them about oral sex, or anything for that matter, they will be able to say no. They will have respect for themselves and know they are too special.

    •Remind your child that self-determination is a privilege.

    If your child is making poor decisions, you can take that right away from him/her. Your child shouldn't have that right back unless or until he/she deserves it.


    Signs of a Bad Relationship

    Parents watch out for these signs as your child is dating:

  • Jealous or Possessive when you talk to others, even friends, and your activities.
  • Criticizes what you do, wear and your friends.
  • Pressures you to drink more than you want.
  • Doesn’t listen to what you want to do
  • Controls your body in small ways
  • Holds you too tight
  • Pulls you by the hand or hangs on to you and makes you uncomfortable
  • Ignores when you pull away
  • Tries to force you into sex activity
  • Name Calling such as fat, ugly, lazy or stupid.
  • Always needs to know who you will be with and where you are.
  • Become angry and violent easily.
  • Threatens to physically hurt you or someone you care about.
  • Emotionally and physically harms you and feels remorseful afterwards
  • If your child shows any of these signs, talk to them, get them help. These relationships are often very difficult to get out of. For Central Minnesota there is Anna Maries. This is a resourse for Domestic Abuse. To contact them call: 320-253-6900 or visit their website at: www.annamaries.org


    Shocking Statistics

    From the Center for Disease Control

  • STD’s affect more women than they do men (1 in 4 women have an STD) and complications from STDs are more severe and more frequent among women because women are more susceptible to reproductive cancers and infertility caused by STDs.
  • STDs are the most common diseases in America next to the common cold and flu.
  • Over 60% of all STD’s occur in persons younger than 25 years of age.
  • STDs infect over 3 million teenagers a year.
  • Girls are 4X more like to get an STD than pregnant.
  • Condoms fail 15-36% of the time in preventing pregnancy and cannot guarantee protection against any STD.
  • According to the Centers for Disease Control and other medical sources, these are the surprising facts about teens and sexually transmitted diseases. Educate yourself and your teen, to avoid becoming infected with any STD.
  • Teens make up about one quarter of the 12 million STD cases reported annually.
  • Every year about one in four sexually active teens contract an STD, about 3 million people.
  • In a single act of unprotected sex with an infected partner, a teenage woman has a 30 percent risk of getting genital herpes and a 50 percent chance of contacting gonorrhea.
  • Chlamydia is the most commonly reported infectious disease in the United States, and may be one of the most dangerous STDs among women today.
  • An estimated one in four sexually active teens have chlamydia. Seventy-five percent of infected women, and 50 percent of infected men have no symptoms.
  • Human Papalloma Virus (HPV) is likely the most common STD among young, sexually-active populations.
  • One in six sexually active teens contract HPV, which can cause pain, genital warts and cancer.
  • Half of all sexually active young women end up contracting HPV — 20 percent eventually recover, but 80 percent are afflicted the rest of their lives.
  • Every year 1 in 5 women aged 15 to 19 who have had sex become pregnant.
  • Thirteen percent of all US births are to teens.

  • Peer Pressure….

    Dictionary.com: "The social influence a peer group exerts on its individual members, as each member attempts to conform to the expectations of the group."

    Who sets your kids standards?

    Who tells them their self worth?

    Who is protecting their goals?

    Who is going to be there when they face the consequences of their choices?

    THEY ARE!

    Below is a small piece of the book, "Oral Sex is the New Goodnight Kiss." It is not a sensationalized piece of literature. It is a fact-based realistic view of what the sexual activities teens are engaging in. As a parent be informed to the pressures your children face. Technology enhances these risks...be informed.

    Chapter 3 A Poisonous Culture

    Twenty-five years ago, a balding, middle-aged man approached a 13-year-old girl at a school play and invited her to model in his hotel room. Knowing her father would object, the girl asked her mother to take her.

    They met in the lobby of the Hotel Vancouver, where the man told the mother to wait in the bar. Instead of insisting that she accompany her, her mother asked the teenager what she wanted.

    He wasn’t thrilled, but he shot several rolls with her mom in the room.

    A few weeks later the girl received a copy of the photos, along with a note indicating that she was “not model material” because she was “unable to take direction.” She understood what he meant—she had worn her mother’s modest bathing suit rather than a bikini or scanty underwear, and she had refused to peek out from behind the shower curtain or lie on the bed with her legs in the air.

    That girl is me. I had allowed myself to be photographed by a complete stranger based on the promise that he could fulfill my fantasy to be gazed upon and admired by the entire world.

    But I had not been able to do the overtly sexual things he had asked me to do. I had never been naked in front of anyone. I hadn’t even kissed a boy.

    Would I do it today if I were 13 and asked to pose topless? Maybe.

    Bombarded with images that link a woman’s value to her sexual willingness, girls see their role models engaging in graphic, exhibitionist behavior—and being rewarded for it (at least in the short term).

    The training starts early. Bratz dolls, manufactured by MGA Entertainment for preteen girls (7-12) “who are mostly into music [and] computers,” are “fully articulated fashion dolls that provide hip and trendy alternatives to traditional dolls.” According to the manufacturer’s website, the dolls “are inspired by modern advertising and computer anime images”; sales neared $100 million in 2001,1 exerting enormous influence on the body image and focus of the latest generation of girls, a trend that began (and continues) with Mattel’s Barbie. “Things are heatin’ up as Chloe takes to the scorchin’ sands of Bratz Beach,” reads the advertising copy for the “Spring Break” version of the Chloe character doll. “Strolling in the dreamiest bikini around, she’s ready for what’s sure to be a summer to remember.” Chloe comes dressed in a bikini and see-through miniskirt. She sports peroxide-blonde hair and, like all the Bratz dolls, oversized lips and eyes, pencil-thin legs, and a wasp-sized waist.

    Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, Jessica Simpson, Christina Aguilera: Anyone who has ever stood in a supermarket checkout line knows that, in addition to conforming to an extremely narrow definition of beauty (identical to that of Bratz dolls), today’s female pop icons are sex objects to be alternately exalted, ogled, emulated, critiqued, condemned, pitied, and recycled...ad nauseum. Even the more respected pop stars—those with actual acting or musical talent, like Scarlet Johansson, Keira Knightley, Avril Lavigne, Cheryl Crow—regularly strike clothing-challenged poses in magazines from Vanity Fair to Maxim to Playboy.

    With role models like these, immersed in a culture where sexuality is tied to celebrity status and money, girls are conditioned to feel empowered whenever they are the sexual center of attention. “At a party or wherever, to get attention, two girls will start kissing and then all of a sudden it’s like everyone is looking and all of the attention is on you. It’s like you’re on fire,” explains Juma, a high school student.

    To maintain that level of attention, many girls are transmitting nude or sexually explicit photos of themselves via cell phone. The practice is called “sexting.” “It is a way to become famous at their school, because those photos are widely forwarded among students,” explains Joy Becker, a youth counselor at Options For Healthy Sexuality (formerly Planned Parenthood) in Vancouver. “I’ve seen everything from your basic striptease to sexual acts being performed,” says Detective Brian Marvin of the FBI Cyber Crime Task Force of Central Ohio.

    Girls understand that the most valuable commodities are youth and beauty, both of which they possess. And theyidentify as sex objects because being a sex object is about being desirable, getting attention, and feeling powerful.

    Twelve-year-old Maddison Gabriel made international headlines when chosen to be the face of Australia’s 2007 Gold Coast Fashion Week. Although Gabriel’s agent says she will not model lingerie, photos of her in heavy makeup and bikinis are online. Gabriel’s mother, who has been criticized for participating in the sexualization of her daughter, has demanded an apology from Australian Prime Minister John Howard who, on a Melbourne radio station, said, “Catapulting girls as young as 12 into something like that is quite outrageous, and I am totally opposed to it.”

    Gabriel’s mother’s response: “I believe the prime minister is getting very doddery. He does not know exactly what 13- and 14-year-old girls are like.”

    Advertising and media feed off each other, generating a proliferation of images that are sexually suggestive or blatantly pornographic. These ads, music videos, video games, television shows, internet sites, and teen fiction then become guidelines for acceptable teenage social behavior. Sexual imagery is such a normal part of teens’ daily lives that, regardless of family pressures, disapproving peers, or religious taboos, very young girls are influenced into dressing provocatively, acting sexy, and becoming sexually active.2

    Drunk, underage girls bare their breasts in Girls Gone Wild videos.3 T-shirts for girls read “Porn Star,” “The Rumors Are True,” and “I Know What Boys Want” across the chest. Sweat pants have “juicy,” “yummy,” and “sweet” emblazoned on the backside. The current brand identity for girls is clear: “I am something to be consumed.”

    In a recent ad series for a Tom Ford fragrance, a naked model presses the perfume bottle between her breasts (in a classic porn pose) and against her hairless crotch, barely covering her genitals. Victoria’s Secret model Marisa Miller poses for the 2008 Sports Illustrated music issue wearing nothing but an iPod. It is worth noting that in both the Tom Ford ads and the Sports Illustrated photos, the models’ pubic hair has been completely removed, a grooming practice that is ubiquitous in pornography and that has become increasingly common among young girls and women.4

    Gail Dines, a professor at Boston’s Wheelock College who explores how media images shape gender/racial identities and the role pornography plays in legitimizing violence against women and children, points out that content that was once considered hardcore pornography—images one might find in the pages of Hustler, for example—have been successfully mainstreamed by the advertising and music industries. American Apparel has made a multimillion-dollar name for itself by shooting very young women in gritty, Hustler-style poses, and Joe’s Jeans billboards are all pornographic in tone.

    What every girl wants?

    Girls are sent the message that they should be available for sex and skilled at it. Adorable magazine sent their teen subscribers a sex guide entitled 99 Naughty Tricks, including tips on French kissing and oral sex. Seventeen and CosmoGirl magazines regularly offer sex advice, often without mentioning a relationship as the context in which the sexual contact might take place. Sex as recreation, sex as inevitable adolescent experimentation, sex as obsession are so pervasive that the editors of the recently released True Images: The Bible for Teen Girls (Zondervan) feel it’s essential to discuss oral sex, lesbianism, and “dream” guys alongside the study of scripture.

    How to Make Love Like a Porn Star, Jenna Jameson’s bestseller, is a favorite among girls (in spite of its unfiltered recounting of the degradations of her career), as is One Hundred Strokes of the Brush Before Bed, an autobiographical account by teen writer Melissa Panarello, who loses her virginity, has group sex, sex with a married man, and sex with her math tutor, all before her 17th birthday. These are part of what Madeline Bunting of the Guardian newspaper calls “fuck lit,” a genre which also includes such titles as Secret Diary of a Call Girl and Indecent: How I Make It and Fake It as a Girl for Hire.5

    In the pre-teen and teen book market, Gossip Girl, A-List, It Girl, and Clique are best-selling series about upscale teens’ sex lives, in which everyone has a T-Mobile Sidekick (marketed as “your lifeline to your social life”), a platinum Amex, and coke-snorting parents who have extramarital affairs. In these books, where fitting in is the priority, even sex is about social positioning and status. Gossip Girl has spun over to television, where the show’s pilot treats viewers to underage sex in act one, drinking throughout act two, and an attempted rape scene in act three.

    Other episodes include lingerie sleepover parties and girl-on-girl kissing. CBS’s Swingtown is another of the growing number of TV shows about wealthy teens: Its first episode features teens smoking pot and reading pornography, adults popping Quaaludes, and a threesome carrying on upstairs while an orgy unfolds downstairs.

    The girls on these shows pay very close attention to the value placed on being “hot” and become addicted to the power that comes from granting or withholding sexual favors.

    If you want to know just how much things on TV have changed, only 13 years ago the show to watch was My So-Called Life, with Claire Danes playing teenager Angela Chase. Each week close to 10 million viewers (more than NBC’s ER drew last fall) watched “a decidedly middle-class girl whose grievances with the world were confined to an aching crush, the wish that her mother wouldn’t insist on well-balanced meals, and her belief that social studies ought to be less boring.”6 Angela wore baggy clothes, little make up, and had parents who were present.

    Copyright (2009) Sharlene Azam All Rights Reserved.

    Please feel free to duplicate or distribute this file as long as the contents have not been changed and this copyright notice is intact. Thank you.


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